Marriage Counselling – Recover from a Cheating Partner

Finding out that your partner has been cheating on you is something nobody wants to discover.

It leads to heartache and grief that takes a long time, if ever to find relief.  It can take years to recover trust. Doing the work of re-establishing trust can seem onerous for the partner who has done the cheating. However it is absolutely necessary if healing is to occur and the couple is to regain emotional and sexual intimacy.

It takes a strong and ongoing commitment by the primary couple to do the work of reconnection. There needs to be a daily commitment of demonstrating caring behaviours and planning fun, light-hearted activities together.

Basically there needs to be a new relationship established with new ground rules that may never have even been explored in the initial stages of relationship. This is necessary now. If one partner has certain expectations of how things are going to be played out while their partner has no idea, then things can go awry.

Most people aren’t psychic enough to figure out what their partner’s needs and wants are without being told. It is common however to hear, “He/she has known me long enough, he/she should know what I want without me having to say anything! Can’t they see the mess!”

Although it only takes one person to stray, cheating is a choice. It is a choice that is usually made when feeling disconnected from a partner without the knowledge or experience to handle things differently.

Feeling safe to communicate how you are feeling to your partner is important. The longer things are left to fester, the more distance is created and the gap gets wider over time.

There may be a reluctance to hurt a partner’s feelings by revealing the truth about frustrations or there may have been just too much conflict for self revelation to be a safe option.

This is where marriage counselling can help. During the counselling process the counsellor facilitates communication between the couple and coaches them how to stay safe even when feeling vulnerable with raw emotions.

Caring4Couples specializes in teaching the Imago Couples Dialogue which is a very subtle, yet powerful communication process for healing the hurt.
Couples Counselling: Christine Bennett

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How do you know when you love someone?

How DO you know when you love someone?  “Is it love?” is a common question asked when cupid’s arrow strikes. So what IS the real deal?

Nature is very clever in design. Our Maker new what he/she was up to when chemistry was included as part of the human package. When eyes meet across that legendary crowded room and the heart beats faster and there is the strangest feeling in the pit of the stomach……Is that love??

No, that is a hormone rush!! A bucket load of endorphins is released and it feels sooooo good!!! It is also a big con! It is nature’s con to ensure the procreation of the human species.That chemical rush – commonly known by the term “falling in love” cannot possibly be sustained. It can last up to two years max, otherwise our whole endocrine system would fall down flat.

The trouble is it feels so wonderful, that those stricken with this form of psychosis want it to last forever. It can’t. Just like a drug addict cannot maintain high levels of drugs of addiction without serious consequences.

I found an interesting article to follow on from this called titled “How do you know when you love someone?” Following is an excerpt and by following the links, you can read the whole article……..

“I used to believe that love was a light switch. Something flicks on. You get an overwhelming sensation. It hits you like a bag of bricks. Or a strong arrow. When you know, you know. Right? Not so much. After 38 years and an expired marriage, I don’t see love that way anymore.  I’ve placed Cupid right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

Love is a series of choices.  The first choice is based on many many factors, including chemistry, principle, logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we want / need… the list goes on and on, and the weight of each factor varies depending on the individual.  Based on these factors, we either choose to begin the process to love or not. If we decide to enter this process, the action of loving can bring “light switch” moments. The way he looks at you. How hard she make you laugh. The notes he hides in your purse. The way she makes you feel when you don’t feel anything. But like an airplane flight, there is turbulence. The fights. The disagreements. The little things that bother you. His socks. Her shopping. You start wondering if you’ve made the right choice. Once you are in doubt, you have to make another choice. To continue to fly with this person or jump out of the plane. This choice is based on a thousand other factors, again depending on the individual and where they are in their journey.

If you decide to jump, the scary free fall will either make you stronger (grow) or miserable (depressed). But sooner or later, you’ll find yourself back at the airport waiting to board another plane. Then you hit turbulence. Or maybe there is no turbulence. Maybe you’ve changed your mind about the destination.  Either way, another choice. Fly or jump?”

Read full article: How do you know when you love someone?

Relationship Counselling by Christine Bennett caring4couples.com.au

 

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How to deal with grief after relationship break-up

When someone we love dies, we have social rituals to help with the pain of loss. What do we have though, when a relationship breaks down? Where are the social rituals such as a funeral followed by a wake?

This may sound a bit morbid when thinking of a love relationship. However, morbid is exactly how a lot of people feel when they lose a lover or partner through relationship break-down.

Often a big dark hole is the feeling in the pit of the stomach where joy once resided. So how to cope?

Following is an article about some ways people deal with relationship break-up, found on the Grief Recovery website by Allison James. John W. James and Russell Friedman are the founders of The Grief Recovery Institute® and authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Their book is available for FREE DOWNLOAD on the website.

Common Responses to Break-Ups and How They Hurt you

“With every romantic relationship there are:

  • Hopes
  • Dreams
  • Expectations

– A new couple might hope to become more serious or look forward to waking up each morning to a text message from each other.

– A couple who have been together longer might expect to have children, dream of vacations together, or begin to plan for retirement.

– Many women start to plan their dream wedding no matter how long they’ve been dating –whether or not their boyfriends know about it is inconsequential!

Couples also create habits and rituals.  Habits as simple as doing the dishes together at night, speaking on the phone each night at 5:00 pm or golfing on Sundays.

A common dream for an evolving relationship is that it will last forever.

Then one day, for whatever reason, the relationship changes or ends.

Their hopes, dreams, and expectations are crushed.

No one likes to feel bad so they do what most people are taught… pretend they are okay!  In an attempt to protect themselves from future heartbreak many people say things like,

  • “I’m never dating again.” 
  • “I don’t give a darn.”

The problem is, that saying, “I don’t give a darn,” and actually not giving a darn, are two different things!

Have you said similar things?

Another thing people do after a break-up is anything and everything to avoid feeling heartbreak. Have you tried some of these things?

  • Dating someone else.
  • Drinking.
  • Having a girls or boys night out.
  • Eating, especially ice cream.
  • Not eating at all.
  • Watching sad movies or listening to sad songs.
  • Working long hours.
  • Shopping.
  • Working out, excessively.
  • Having a make-over.
  • Sleeping.

Although these activities might make you feel better short term, they don’t allow you to get complete with the relationship that changed or ended.”

Click here to continue reading….

Relationship counselling by Christine Bennett caring4couples.com.au


 

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Affairs, Cheating, Infidelity, Unfaithful partner, or Betrayal?

Here is another post on affairs, cheating, infidelity, being unfaithful or whatever other euphemism you may want to call it. All those words amount to the same feeling – usually – betrayal!

Feelings of betrayal are the most likely outcome if there was an agreement – implicit or explicit – of sexual exclusivity. A committed  relationship between two people usually means just that. They agree to be committed to one another and that involves a great deal of trust that a partner will remain faithful and respectful to the relationship and refrain from any activity that may jeopardize this agreement.

The sense of betrayal more often than not leads to a grieving process involving shock, denial, anger, confusion, sadness and a host of other feelings that usually go together with the experience of loss.

Elly Taylor in smh.com.au, July 31 2012, discusses the language that may be used when discussing this topic of cheating in her article “The Language We Use To Discuss Cheating“.

Taylor says, “Some affairs are a ‘cry for help’. They can happen because someone is unhappy with the relationship, but is unable or unwilling to work on the problems or terminate the relationship in a respectful way. Quite often, the cheating party doesn’t necessarily want a relationship with the person they are cheating with. Couples can recover from this type of affair if it becomes apparent where things went wrong and both parties are committed to making things work again.

Other affairs happen because someone wants out of a relationship, and wants to be with the person they are cheating with. In 90% of the cases, it doesn’t work out. At this point the ‘cheater’ may want to reconcile with the original partner but often the original partner has moved on.

Then finally, you have someone who wants to reap all the benefits of being in a committed relationship, but wants to have fun on the side as well.  This type of affair is completely narcissistic and involves premeditated and sustained deception and the straying party is also likely to be psychologically and emotionally abusive to the partner. If someone is a “serial offender” like this and doesn’t really want to change, it would be best for the couple to separate and rebuild their lives separately.”

The full article is well worth a read!

Relationship Counselling by Christine Bennett Caring4Couples


 

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