Committed to a non-judgemental approach to helping couples, individuals and families enjoy a more fulfilling life, loving relationships and optimal health and wellbeing.
In today’s world, couples face more distractions, pressures, and emotional noise than ever before. While we’re more digitally connected, many couples tell me they feel emotionally distant. They love each other, but something’s missing.
So what matters most for couples today?
Reconnection.
Not just talking—but truly listening.
Not just sharing space—but sharing presence.
Not just resolving problems—but healing together.
Here’s what I see in my work with couples every week—and what helps partners reconnect and grow stronger, even when life gets busy or overwhelming:
1. Digital Overload, Emotional Underwhelm
Smartphones, social media, and endless notifications often replace real conversations. It’s easy to sit next to someone you love and still feel far away.
Try this: Set aside 15–30 minutes each day just for each other. No screens, no multitasking—just eye contact, curiosity, and the simple question: “How are you, really?”
2. Invisible Labour, Uneven Load
Many couples today are struggling with the unspoken burden of mental load—keeping track of schedules, worries, and to-dos. One partner may feel overwhelmed and alone in the “thinking” work.
Try this:Talk honestly about emotional and mental responsibilities. Sharing the load isn’t just practical—it builds trust and connection.
3. Emotional Safety Over Perfection
Couples often worry about saying the “right thing” or avoiding conflict. But true intimacy isn’t about perfection—it’s about safety.
Try this: Slow down and really listen. In Imago Relationship Therapy, we use structured dialogue to help each partner feel truly heard and validated. Even difficult conversations can become moments of healing.
4. Purposeful Time Together
In the rush of life, it’s easy to drift into “parallel living”—functioning well as a team, but losing emotional closeness.
Try this: Schedule time just for you as a couple. A weekly walk, a quiet meal, or a simple check-in can keep your relationship nourished.
5. Healing, Not Blaming
Old wounds often resurface in close relationships. Many couples don’t realise that conflict is an invitation—not to fight harder, but to understand more deeply.
Try this: Instead of “Why are you doing this to me?” try “What does this bring up for you?” Imago helps couples uncover the childhood patterns that shape adult reactions—so you can stop the cycle and start connecting.
6. Resilience Through Uncertainty
From global stress to personal challenges, couples today face a lot. But those who lean toward each other instead of away can come out stronger.
Try this: Share your fears, not just your plans. Let your partner see your vulnerability. That’s where true partnership begins.
You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
If your relationship is feeling strained, disconnected, or stuck in old patterns—please know: you’re not failing. You’re human. And help is available.
At Caring4Couples, I offer a safe space to explore what’s not working—and rediscover what can. Through Imago Relationship Therapy, we’ll work together to turn conflict into connection and rebuild the intimacy you long for.
Let’s start with a complimentary 20-minute phone consultation * Request a time today!
Rebuilding trust after betrayal is essential to enable reconnection and healing. Even though it is likely to be challenging, trust is the foundation of any strong relationship, and when it is broken, it can sometimes feel impossible to rebuild. Whether caused by infidelity, dishonesty, or unmet expectations, betrayal can leave couples feeling lost and disconnected. However, with commitment, patience, and professional support, restoring trust is possible. In this blog, we explore effective steps to help couples navigate the healing process and reconnect.
Understanding the Impact of Betrayal
Betrayal in a relationship often leads to emotional distress, anxiety, and insecurity. The injured partner may struggle with feelings of anger, sadness, and doubt, while the partner responsible for the betrayal may experience guilt, shame, or defensiveness. Recognising the emotional toll on both individuals is crucial for moving forward and is an important part of rebuilding trust after betrayal.
Steps to Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal
1. Open and Honest Communication
Effective communication is the first step in rebuilding trust. The partner who caused the hurt must be willing to take responsibility, answer difficult questions honestly, and reassure their partner with transparency.
2. Seek Professional Support
Engaging in couples therapy can provide guidance and structure during the healing process. A skilled therapist helps couples explore underlying issues, improve communication, and establish trust-building strategies.
3. Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations
Both partners should discuss what they need moving forward. This includes setting healthy boundaries, defining expectations for the relationship, and agreeing on steps to prevent future betrayals.
4. Practice Patience and Consistency
Trust is not rebuilt overnight. The partner who was hurt may need time to process emotions and observe consistent, trustworthy behaviour over time. Small, daily efforts—such as keeping promises, being emotionally present, and showing respect—can make a significant difference.
5. Work on Forgiveness and Healing
While forgiving does not mean forgetting, it allows both partners to move forward without resentment. Seeking individual counselling alongside couples therapy can be beneficial for addressing personal pain and developing self-awareness.
Why Choose Couples Therapy?
For couples struggling to rebuild trust, professional therapy offers a safe space to navigate challenges. At Caring4Couples, we specialise in helping partners restore emotional connection and strengthen their relationships. Our online marriage counselling is also available for those who prefer flexibility and convenience.
Final Thoughts
Rebuilding trust after betrayal is a challenging but achievable journey. Through open communication, professional guidance, and patience, couples can emerge stronger and more connected than before. If you and your partner are facing trust issues, consider seeking couples therapy on the Central Coast, North Sydney oronline for expert support.
For more information or to book a session, call Caring4Couples today and take the first step towards healing.
In the ever-evolving landscape of modern relationships, couples face a myriad of challenges that can strain even the strongest bonds. From the pressures of work-life balance to the complexities of digital communication, today’s couples must navigate a unique set of obstacles. However, understanding these issues and adopting healthy strategies can pave the way for a more harmonious and fulfilling partnership. In this blog post, we will explore some common relationship difficulties and offer practical advice on how to handle them better.
1. Communication Breakdown
ISSUE: One of the most prevalent issues in relationships is poor communication. Misunderstandings, assumptions, and unspoken expectations can lead to frustration and resentment.
SOLUTION: Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Here are some tips to improve it:
Active Listening: Truly listen to your partner without interrupting. Show empathy and validate their feelings.
Clear Expression: Clearly articulate your thoughts and feelings. Use “I” statements to express how you feel without blaming your partner.
Regular Check-ins: Schedule regular times to discuss your relationship, share concerns, and celebrate successes.
2. Balancing Work and Personal Life
ISSUE: The demands of work can often encroach on personal time, leading to stress and neglect of the relationship.
SOLUTION: Striking a balance between work and personal life requires intentional effort:
Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries between work and personal time. Avoid bringing work-related stress into your home life.
Quality Time: Prioritize quality time with your partner. Engage in activities you both enjoy and make time for each other regularly.
Support Each Other: Be supportive of each other’s career goals and challenges. Offer encouragement and understanding.
3. Financial Stress
ISSUE: Financial difficulties are a significant source of tension in many relationships. Disagreements about spending, saving, and financial priorities can lead to conflict.
SOLUTION: Addressing financial stress requires open dialogue and cooperation:
Budget Together: Create a budget together that reflects both partners’ financial goals and priorities.
Transparent Communication: Be transparent about your financial situation and discuss any concerns openly.
Seek Professional Help: If necessary, consult a financial advisor to help manage your finances and create a plan.
4. Digital Distractions
ISSUE: The pervasive presence of digital devices can lead to distractions and decreased quality time together.
SOLUTION: Managing digital distractions
Managing digital distractions requires mindful effort and intentional practices:
Set Digital Boundaries: Establish specific times when devices are off-limits, such as during meals or before bedtime. This will help ensure that you have uninterrupted quality time together.
Create Tech-Free Zones: Designate certain areas of your home, such as the dining room or bedroom, as tech-free zones to encourage more face-to-face interaction.
Be Present: Make a conscious effort to be present when you are with your partner. Put away your phone, make eye contact, and engage in meaningful conversations.
Scheduled Disconnect: Plan regular periods where both of you disconnect from devices and engage in activities that foster connection, such as going for a walk, cooking together, or playing a game.
5. Intimacy Issues
ISSUE: Over time, couples may experience a decline in physical and emotional intimacy, which can lead to feelings of disconnection.
SOLUTION: Reignite intimacy through intentional actions and open communication:
Prioritize Intimacy: Make intimacy a priority in your relationship. Schedule regular date nights and create opportunities for physical closeness.
Communicate Needs: Discuss your needs and desires openly with your partner. Understanding each other’s preferences can help you reconnect on a deeper level.
Explore New Activities: Try new activities together that can bring excitement and novelty into your relationship, whether it’s a new hobby, travel, or exploring new ways to be intimate.
6. Handling Conflict
ISSUE: Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but how they are handled can significantly impact the relationship’s health.
SOLUTION: Develop healthy conflict resolution skills to navigate disagreements constructively:
Stay Calm: Approach conflicts with a calm and composed demeanour. Take a break if emotions run high and return to the discussion when both parties are calmer.
Focus on the Issue: Address the specific issue at hand rather than bringing up past grievances. Stay focused on finding a resolution.
Compromise: Be willing to compromise and find a middle ground that satisfies both partners. Remember that the goal is to resolve the conflict, not to “win” the argument.
7. Maintaining Individuality
ISSUE: Couples may struggle with maintaining their individuality while being part of a partnership, leading to feelings of suffocation or loss of identity.
SOLUTION: Encourage each other to pursue individual interests and personal growth:
Support Personal Goals: Encourage your partner to pursue their hobbies, interests, and personal goals. Celebrate their achievements and provide the space they need to grow individually.
Maintain Friendships: Sustain your own friendships and social networks outside of the relationship. Having a support system and social life independent of your partner is healthy and enriching.
Self-Care: Prioritize self-care and personal well-being. When each partner feels fulfilled and balanced individually, they can contribute more positively to the relationship.
8. Dealing with External Pressures
ISSUE: External pressures from family, friends, or societal expectations can create stress and conflict within a relationship.
SOLUTION: Build a united front and manage external influences together:
Unified Decisions: Make decisions as a team and present a united front to others. This reinforces your partnership and reduces the impact of external pressures.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with family and friends. Communicate your needs and expectations to prevent undue interference in your relationship.
Focus on Your Values: Stay true to your shared values and priorities as a couple. External opinions matter less when you are aligned and confident in your choices.
In Summary
Every relationship faces challenges, but with understanding, effort, and effective strategies, couples can navigate these difficulties and emerge stronger. Remember that no relationship is perfect, and it’s normal to experience ups and downs. The key is to approach each challenge as a team, with empathy, patience, and a commitment to growth.
By prioritizing communication, balancing work and personal life, managing finances, minimizing digital distractions, reigniting intimacy, handling conflicts constructively, maintaining individuality, and dealing with external pressures, couples can build a resilient and fulfilling partnership.
Investing time and energy into these areas not only strengthens your relationship but also fosters a deeper connection and lasting happiness. So, embrace the journey together and remember that every challenge is an opportunity to grow closer and build a more loving and supportive relationship.
Thank you for reading! If you have any thoughts or additional tips on navigating relationship challenges, feel free to share them in the comments below. Let’s support each other in building stronger, healthier relationships.
Habitual relationship conflicts are inevitable in any partnership, but constantly encountering the same issues can leave both individuals feeling drained and unsatisfied. Learning how to overcome habitual relationship conflict can significantly improve the health of one’s relationship and personal wellbeing. This article aims to provide strategies and guidance on how to break the cycle of recurring issues and foster healthier communication patterns within romantic partnerships.
It’s important to begin by identifying the root causes of recurring relationship conflicts. These may stem from differing communication styles, clashing values, or past experiences. By understanding and acknowledging the underlying issues, couples can better address the conflicts that arise and work towards resolving them in a more productive manner.
Once the source of conflict is identified, both partners can take the necessary steps to develop healthier ways of dealing with disagreements. This involves cultivating empathy, improving communication skills, and learning to compromise. By consciously making an effort to strengthen these aspects, couples can effectively break the habit of repetitive relationship conflict and create a more harmonious, respectful, and fulfilling bond.
Unmet Expectations: People might enter relationships with preconceived ideas about their partner’s roles and responsibilities, leading to disappointment when these expectations aren’t met. By communicating openly about individual expectations and finding ways to compromise, couples can work together to resolve the conflict.
Jealousy: Jealousy can surface when one partner feels threatened or insecure due to the attention their partner receives from others. To tackle jealousy-related conflicts, both parties need to build trust and openly discuss their insecurities. Reassuring each other of their commitment and addressing insecurities can alleviate jealousy conflicts.
Resentment: Resentment often emerges when unresolved issues from the past continue to affect the present dynamics between a couple. Addressing the underlying emotions and resolving past conflicts can help to minimise resentment and promote harmony within the relationship.
Mental Health: Mental health can significantly impact the frequency of relationship conflicts. When one or both partners struggle with mental health issues, it might become challenging to manage emotions effectively. Understanding the importance of mental well-being, seeking professional help, and providing support to each other can contribute to a healthy relationship environment.
The Role of Effective Communication
One of the primary factors that contribute to habitual relationship conflict is poor communication. Communication issues can manifest in various ways, such as yelling, interrupting, or not expressing one’s emotions clearly. To overcome these issues, it is essential to establish clear and open lines of communication. This can be achieved by setting aside dedicated time for discussing concerns, using “I” statements to express emotions, and avoiding blame or criticism.
Some strategies to improve communication include:
Practicing empathy: Put oneself in the other person’s shoes to understand their perspective.
Establishing boundaries: Clearly communicate individual limits and expectations.
Willingness to compromise: Finding common ground can lead to more effective conflict resolution.
Active Listening Strategies
Active listening plays a vital role in resolving conflicts and nurturing strong relationships. It is the practice of fully focusing on the person speaking, providing verbal and non-verbal feedback, and paraphrasing what they have said to confirm understanding.
Here are some active listening techniques:
Maintain eye contact: This shows the speaker that one is engaged and interested in what they are saying.
Provide non-verbal feedback: Nodding and other appropriate gestures can encourage the speaker to continue sharing their thoughts.
Reflect on what was said: Paraphrase the information shared to confirm one’s understanding and demonstrate that one was genuinely listening.
Ask open-ended questions: Inquiring further into the speaker’s thoughts and feelings can facilitate greater understanding.
By incorporating effective communication and active listening strategies, individuals can significantly reduce the occurrence of habitual relationship conflicts. It is essential to practice these skills consistently to foster healthy, resilient relationships and efficient conflict resolution.
Conflict Resolution Strategies
Avoidance Versus Confrontation
Both avoidance and confrontation can be employed as conflict resolution strategies. Avoidance means steering clear of conflicts by suppressing emotions and avoiding contentious situations. On the other hand, confrontation involves directly addressing the issue and working together to resolve it.
Avoidance can sometimes be helpful in cases where the situation is trivial or when a pause is needed for parties to cool down. However, relying solely on avoidance can lead to unresolved issues and increased tension. Confrontation, when approached in a respectful and constructive manner, can help resolve issues effectively and strengthen relationships. To employ confrontation successfully, it is important to keep several points in mind:
Listen actively: Truly listen to the other party, ensuring that you understand their perspective and concerns.
Validate feelings: Acknowledge each other’s emotions and avoid dismissing the feelings of the other person.
Remain respectful: Engage in calm communication and maintain a neutral tone of voice.
Stonewalling and its Effects
Stonewalling is a behaviour in which one person shuts down and refuses to communicate with the other person during a conflict situation. This can manifest through silence, indirect communication, or even physical withdrawal. It is often a form of avoidance and can have significant negative effects on relationships.
Stonewalling can lead to:
Increased frustration: The person on the receiving end may feel unheard, disrespected, and anxious, leading to further escalation of conflict.
Prolonged issues: The unresolved problem can continue to grow, and resentment may build up, hampering the relationship’s growth.
Misunderstandings: Without clear communication, misunderstandings are likely to occur, causing further friction in the relationship.
To avoid the negative effects of stonewalling, it is crucial to adopt healthy communication habits and foster a safe environment where both parties feel comfortable discussing their issues openly. Simulation exercises and role-playing can be helpful in practicing constructive communication and developing empathy for the other person’s perspective.
Dealing with Specific Issues in Conflict
Intimacy and Relationship Satisfaction
Intimacy plays a crucial role in maintaining healthy relationships. Intimacy issues, however, can lead to conflicts and reduced relationship satisfaction. To overcome such issues, partners can focus on building trust, openness, and understanding. Initiating regular communication about feelings, desires, and boundaries can help address intimacy problems. Couples may also consider seeking professional help from a therapist specialising in relationships to navigate through their difficulties.
Finances and Relationships
Financial matters can present a significant source of conflict in relationships. To address money-related issues, partners should develop a shared understanding of their financial goals and priorities. Open and honest discussions about spending habits, budgeting, and long-term financial plans should be encouraged. Implementing strategies, such as creating a joint budget or dividing financial responsibilities, can help prevent arguments and build financial stability within the relationship.
Parenting and Family Dynamics
Parenthood poses its own set of challenges and can contribute to conflicts within a relationship. Parenting styles, differences in opinion, and the demands of family life can strain the bond between partners. Open communication and mutual support are essential to ensure that both individuals feel heard and respected in their parenting choices. Developing a united front regarding disciplinary methods, expectations, and family values can contribute to a harmonious family dynamic. In some cases, seeking guidance from parenting experts or support groups may be beneficial.
Maintaining a Healthy Relationship Amid Conflict
Role of Humour and Affection
In a romantic relationship, humour and affection can alleviate tension and create a positive environment. It is important to use light-hearted humour to address minor problems, without dismissing your partner’s feelings. This approach can diffuse tension and create a foundation for discussing issues openly.
Affection is equally critical in maintaining a healthy relationship. Displaying love and care for your partner can strengthen the bond between you and make it easier to work through conflict. Regularly expressing your love and appreciation, both verbally and through non-verbal cues, can contribute to a loving atmosphere that supports healthy conflict resolution.
Healthy Conflict Versus Unhealthy Conflict
Healthy conflict is an essential aspect of a thriving romantic relationship, as it allows the couple to express their needs and work through problems. In contrast, unhealthy conflict can cause harm and lead to an unstable relationship. Here are some key characteristics of healthy and unhealthy conflict:
Healthy Conflict:
Open and honest communication
Willingness to listen and understand each other’s perspective
Focus on resolving the issue at hand, rather than winning the argument
Reach agreements or compromises
Forgiveness and moving forward after reaching an understanding
Unhealthy Conflict:
Insults, belittling, or demeaning behaviour
Refusal to listen or consider your partner’s feelings and viewpoint
Aggression, violence, or intimidation as a means to control the situation
Prolonging arguments, holding grudges, or not letting past issues rest
By taking the time to understand and practice healthy conflict resolution, you can overcome habitual relationship conflicts and improve the overall quality of your romantic relationship.
Professional Help
When to Seek Couples Therapy
Couples therapy can be a valuable resource for partners experiencing habitual relationship conflicts. It is essential to know when it might be time to seek professional help. Common signs indicating the need for couples therapy include consistent conflict, lack of communication, and persistent negative feelings. A professional therapist can provide guidance to help a couple navigate these challenging times and foster healthy relationship growth.
Conclusion
In order to overcome habitual relationship conflict, it is important to focus on a few key points that will help maintain and foster a healthy relationship. To start, setting clear goals for oneself and the relationship is essential. This will help both partners align their expectations and foster a better understanding of each other’s needs.
Communication is crucial in addressing relationship conflicts. It is necessary for both partners to regularly share their feelings, thoughts, and concerns in a clear and neutral tone. This will help them understand each other’s perspectives and facilitate constructive discussions, ultimately leading to a stronger and more secure relationship.
When facing relationship conflicts, it is important to focus on one’s mental health. Engaging in activities that promote self-care, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies, can help alleviate stress and maintain emotional well-being. If necessary, seeking professional help for mental health issues like depression or anxiety should not be ruled out, as these conditions can contribute to relationship conflict.
In addressing loneliness, it is vital for individuals to cultivate a diverse social circle that extends beyond their romantic partner. This allows them to gain a broader support network and avoid overburdening their romantic relationship.
Practicing empathy and learning to compromise are invaluable skills in any relationship. By putting oneself in the other’s shoes and striving for a mutual understanding, conflicts become more manageable and less likely to escalate.
To summarise, overcoming habitual relationship conflict requires dedication, open communication, self-awareness, empathy, and willingness to compromise from both partners. By focusing on these aspects, couples can work together to build a healthier and more satisfying relationship.
Mental Health Day is officially October 10 and so the focus for this month is on mental wellbeing.
“The theme for Mental Health Month this year is ‘beYOUnique!’ This theme promotes acceptance and an understanding of the impact that being proud of who we are can have on our wellbeing.” Source and more information is available at Mental Health Association NSW.
SO what makes you unique? What is special about you that is appreciated by your friends, work colleagues, family or loved ones?
Some people may have a problem answering those questions – particularly if there was little or no healthy development of self worth in the formative years.
Healthy, well functioning parenting usually results in healthy, well functioning children who leave the nest as healthy, well functioning, independent adults, ready to make their way in the wider world.
If you are suffering from anxiety, depression or poor (even mediocre) self image, chances are your upbringing may have been less than optimal. Statistically this means the majority of humans walking this Earth today have some level of wounding that can be triggered by a look, a word, a deed when least expected.
Negative thought patterns are often initiated in this way. You may have felt criticised or just heard a comment that set off your internal wounding with corresponding negative thoughts and feelings. This can vary from mild discomfort through feelings of shame or humiliation through to a full blown panic attack.
The person most likely to have this impact is your nearest and dearest. They are the one who matters the most. There is usually a significant emotional investment in the relationship with your significant other. That makes it important to keep the boat from rocking too hard – or worse sinking. This is where defence mechanisms come into play and usually only succeed in making matters worse – creating a bigger disconnect.
The Imago Dialogue is great as an alternative to defence games and will usually result in deeper understanding and rapport with your partner. Better than days of the cold shoulder! It is a way of communication which makes it safe to discuss sensitive, emotionally charged issues with your partner.
Light a candle in a quiet place with pen and paper or your smart device and write down at least three qualities you have that are unique to you and express gratitude for having these gifts.
Go a step further! Each night before you go to bed, quietly contemplate and add an additional quality to your list for the whole month of October!!
Paste the list somewhere you will see it every day or make it your home screen on your fave digital whizz bang.
Enjoy!!
About the author:
Christine Bennett is a private practitioner committed to a non-judgmental approach of helping couples, individuals and families enjoy more fulfilling, loving relationships with themselves and others. Christine also helps separated couples reach agreements for parenting plans, financial settlements and bullying disputes.
Finding out that your partner has been cheating on you is something nobody wants to discover.
It leads to heartache and grief that takes a long time, if ever to find relief. It can take years to recover trust. Doing the work of re-establishing trust can seem onerous for the partner who has done the cheating. However it is absolutely necessary if healing is to occur and the couple is to regain emotional and sexual intimacy.
It takes a strong and ongoing commitment by the primary couple to do the work of reconnection. There needs to be a daily commitment of demonstrating caring behaviours and planning fun, light-hearted activities together.
Basically there needs to be a new relationship established with new ground rules that may never have even been explored in the initial stages of relationship. This is necessary now. If one partner has certain expectations of how things are going to be played out while their partner has no idea, then things can go awry.
Most people aren’t psychic enough to figure out what their partner’s needs and wants are without being told. It is common however to hear, “He/she has known me long enough, he/she should know what I want without me having to say anything! Can’t they see the mess!”
Although it only takes one person to stray, cheating is a choice. It is a choice that is usually made when feeling disconnected from a partner without the knowledge or experience to handle things differently.
Feeling safe to communicate how you are feeling to your partner is important. The longer things are left to fester, the more distance is created and the gap gets wider over time.
There may be a reluctance to hurt a partner’s feelings by revealing the truth about frustrations or there may have been just too much conflict for self revelation to be a safe option.
This is where marriage counselling can help. During the counselling process the counsellor facilitates communication between the couple and coaches them how to stay safe even when feeling vulnerable with raw emotions.
How DO you know when you love someone? “Is it love?” is a common question asked when cupid’s arrow strikes. So what IS the real deal?
Nature is very clever in design. Our Maker new what he/she was up to when chemistry was included as part of the human package. When eyes meet across that legendary crowded room and the heart beats faster and there is the strangest feeling in the pit of the stomach……Is that love??
No, that is a hormone rush!! A bucket load of endorphins is released and it feels sooooo good!!! It is also a big con! It is nature’s con to ensure the procreation of the human species.That chemical rush – commonly known by the term “falling in love” cannot possibly be sustained. It can last up to two years max, otherwise our whole endocrine system would fall down flat.
The trouble is it feels so wonderful, that those stricken with this form of psychosis want it to last forever. It can’t. Just like a drug addict cannot maintain high levels of drugs of addiction without serious consequences.
I found an interesting article to follow on from this called titled “How do you know when you love someone?” Following is an excerpt and by following the links, you can read the whole article……..
“I used to believe that love was a light switch. Something flicks on. You get an overwhelming sensation. It hits you like a bag of bricks. Or a strong arrow. When you know, you know. Right? Not so much. After 38 years and an expired marriage, I don’t see love that way anymore. I’ve placed Cupid right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.
Love is a series of choices. The first choice is based on many many factors, including chemistry, principle, logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we want / need… the list goes on and on, and the weight of each factor varies depending on the individual. Based on these factors, we either choose to begin the process to love or not. If we decide to enter this process, the action of loving can bring “light switch” moments. The way he looks at you. How hard she make you laugh. The notes he hides in your purse. The way she makes you feel when you don’t feel anything. But like an airplane flight, there is turbulence. The fights. The disagreements. The little things that bother you. His socks. Her shopping. You start wondering if you’ve made the right choice. Once you are in doubt, you have to make another choice. To continue to fly with this person or jump out of the plane. This choice is based on a thousand other factors, again depending on the individual and where they are in their journey.
If you decide to jump, the scary free fall will either make you stronger (grow) or miserable (depressed). But sooner or later, you’ll find yourself back at the airport waiting to board another plane. Then you hit turbulence. Or maybe there is no turbulence. Maybe you’ve changed your mind about the destination. Either way, another choice. Fly or jump?”
Love just like anything else in the Universe is subject to the Law of Attraction.
This law states that like attracts like. It is a simple matter of physics and when it comes to love – our own emotions are what matters.
How we feel about ourselves is vitally important to who we attract into our life as friends, colleagues, and most importantly intimate partners.
So if we feel down on ourselves, we don’t feel good enough, confident enough, attractive enough – the list could go on and on…….then that is who we will attract as a partner. We will attract our mirror image. Whatever emotional wounding we have suffered during our childhood will be mirrored in our partner. Guarranteed!! This is the basis of the work of Harville Hendrix who is the author of “Getting the Love You Want” amongst others.
Harville Hendrix is an American psychologist who founded what he calls Imago Relationship Therapy. The foundation of the therapeutic process involves what is called the Imago Dialogue where the therapist facilitates a dialogue around a particular frustration that is getting in the way of the couple’s connection to one another. It is usually because a wound has been triggered and one or both partners have gone into their defense strategy, shutting each other out.
The concept of attracting a like person is illustrated very nicely by Denise Scarbro (Huffington Post, 27 July 2012) in her article “The Trick to Attracting Healthy Relationships“.
Scarbro says, “Have you ever felt like you always attract a certain type of person? I know I have! The same kinds of people seem to present themselves to me all the time. They may have different faces and different names, but in the end the same themes are always there. Not too long ago, I kept finding myself with an emotionally unavailable boyfriend; misunderstood people gravitated to me; needy people always wanted to be my friend; and if there was ever an underdog, we inevitably somehow teamed up. I found myself thinking, “What am I putting out there to attract these people to me?”
For a while, I arrogantly thought I drew these people to me because I had so much strength. Maybe I was supposed to help fix them? Like a moths to a flame, they were drawn to me because my light was shining for everyone who needed my help. Well, my believed strength did not make the boyfriends emotionally available; I was not able to build the self-esteem of the needy people; the misunderstood never gained any new insights; and the underdogs were still underdogs no matter what wisdom and examples I thought I shared. I was usually left disappointed, hurt, or annoyed. So why was I attracting these people?”
