Loving and Being Loved

IS LOVING AND BEING LOVED EASY? OR IS IT A CHALLENGE?

Guest article by Leslee Hughes Core Energetics Therapist

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Some of us can love and some can receive love but are we open to both?

Our minds may want this but our hearts are a totally different vulnerable segment of our body and may be screaming, “no way!”

Do you know that if you were hurt in the first 7 years of life (and there is a likelihood that we all have been) that there is a high probability that you may be defended. Your body even shows the hurts!

How you may ask?  By armoring around the chest front and back, shoulders rolling in to protect the heart, splits, dents, leaks and hollows, it is like you can actually really see a hurt or a wound.

We protect ourselves from feeling any more pain, by diverting energy away from our heart centre so as not to feel and generally wear a mask portraying that we are OK.

Our hearts can think and feel, so without our heart being open and flowing with energy we struggle in the love and relationship department.

Our mask covers what is called called a lower self defense against any attempts to love and trust.

DEPENDING ON THE DEVELOPMENTAL AGE OF THE CHILD,  THE WOUNDS YOU CARRY MAY BE DIFFERENT:

  1. THE DAYDREAMER:  The foetus in the womb. Do you feel Mum’s pain or unhappiness? Do you wonder am I wanted? You may come into the world not trusting, fearful and not sure if you belong.THE TASK is to learn to trust again and to claim your space in the world by getting in your body and unfreezing your energy system. Here I am!
  2. THE NEEDY: From birth to about 18 months of age. There is a great need for love but there is a lack of feeling loved. This may be due to a lack of attention or food or connection. There is never enough love, or it is disappointing and may even turn hateful.THE TASK here is to learn to love yourself! You set the standard!
  3. THE COMPLIANT:  From 18 months to 3 years. The child has to be good, may be smothered, learns to say a lot of yes’s but feels unable to say no as there will be repercussions. Caught with pleasing others and not self, can become very resentful and withholding.THE TASK here is to find your YES to life and happiness, quite often self hate and pleasure-anxiety have been in the way. Your needs are important!
  4. The Prince & Princess: 3 1/2 to 5 years old. The child is built up to be more than the parent of the same sex, some seduction and betrayal, I am special, no I am not.THE TASK here is to become real with our equality to the same sex and to get grounded or there is always a “pie in the sky” big idea but no inner ground.
  5. The Perfectionist: 5 – 7 years old.  I am perfect. You will not find anything wrong with me. Feelings of rejection from the parent of the opposite sex are hidden by the perfect picture but the love of the heart is rigidified and unsafe. Disconnection between the heart and the pelvis. Sex without love and love without sex.THE TASK here is to become vulnerable and realise that you are equal to others or life can become a lonely place.

WHAT IS CORE ENERGETICS?

Core Energetics as a therapy is based on the capacity to love and be loved. Why should you be the exception?

As we explore the defenses to the heart and heal old wounds and new, tenderness and vulnerability emerges, the child is redeemed and you are more whole. There is wonder in the eyes and it is like an awakening to a new world. Your heart is humming and MAGIC is in the air!

To change your energy and your life, contact Leslee for a one on one session to take the journey to your Core (Heart) and bring YOUR heart to your home!

Leslee-HughesLeslee Hughes is one of the most senior members of Core Energetics in Australia.  She is an experienced Body Mind Psychotherapist (Somatic Psychotherapist) who works in Sydney and the Central Coast of New South Wales. Leslee is a Member of the Psychotherapy & Counselling Federation of Australia and a Clinical member of the Counsellor’s and Psychotherapists Association.

Leslee works one on one with individuals, couples, families and is able to do phone or Skype sessions. You can call Leslee on 0407934499 or email mail@lesleehughes.com.au
Check out Leslee’s website for more details: www.lesleehughes.com.au

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Marriage Counselling – Recover from a Cheating Partner

Finding out that your partner has been cheating on you is something nobody wants to discover.

It leads to heartache and grief that takes a long time, if ever to find relief.  It can take years to recover trust. Doing the work of re-establishing trust can seem onerous for the partner who has done the cheating. However it is absolutely necessary if healing is to occur and the couple is to regain emotional and sexual intimacy.

It takes a strong and ongoing commitment by the primary couple to do the work of reconnection. There needs to be a daily commitment of demonstrating caring behaviours and planning fun, light-hearted activities together.

Basically there needs to be a new relationship established with new ground rules that may never have even been explored in the initial stages of relationship. This is necessary now. If one partner has certain expectations of how things are going to be played out while their partner has no idea, then things can go awry.

Most people aren’t psychic enough to figure out what their partner’s needs and wants are without being told. It is common however to hear, “He/she has known me long enough, he/she should know what I want without me having to say anything! Can’t they see the mess!”

Although it only takes one person to stray, cheating is a choice. It is a choice that is usually made when feeling disconnected from a partner without the knowledge or experience to handle things differently.

Feeling safe to communicate how you are feeling to your partner is important. The longer things are left to fester, the more distance is created and the gap gets wider over time.

There may be a reluctance to hurt a partner’s feelings by revealing the truth about frustrations or there may have been just too much conflict for self revelation to be a safe option.

This is where marriage counselling can help. During the counselling process the counsellor facilitates communication between the couple and coaches them how to stay safe even when feeling vulnerable with raw emotions.

Caring4Couples specializes in teaching the Imago Couples Dialogue which is a very subtle, yet powerful communication process for healing the hurt.
Couples Counselling: Christine Bennett

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How do you know when you love someone?

How DO you know when you love someone?  “Is it love?” is a common question asked when cupid’s arrow strikes. So what IS the real deal?

Nature is very clever in design. Our Maker new what he/she was up to when chemistry was included as part of the human package. When eyes meet across that legendary crowded room and the heart beats faster and there is the strangest feeling in the pit of the stomach……Is that love??

No, that is a hormone rush!! A bucket load of endorphins is released and it feels sooooo good!!! It is also a big con! It is nature’s con to ensure the procreation of the human species.That chemical rush – commonly known by the term “falling in love” cannot possibly be sustained. It can last up to two years max, otherwise our whole endocrine system would fall down flat.

The trouble is it feels so wonderful, that those stricken with this form of psychosis want it to last forever. It can’t. Just like a drug addict cannot maintain high levels of drugs of addiction without serious consequences.

I found an interesting article to follow on from this called titled “How do you know when you love someone?” Following is an excerpt and by following the links, you can read the whole article……..

“I used to believe that love was a light switch. Something flicks on. You get an overwhelming sensation. It hits you like a bag of bricks. Or a strong arrow. When you know, you know. Right? Not so much. After 38 years and an expired marriage, I don’t see love that way anymore.  I’ve placed Cupid right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

Love is a series of choices.  The first choice is based on many many factors, including chemistry, principle, logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we want / need… the list goes on and on, and the weight of each factor varies depending on the individual.  Based on these factors, we either choose to begin the process to love or not. If we decide to enter this process, the action of loving can bring “light switch” moments. The way he looks at you. How hard she make you laugh. The notes he hides in your purse. The way she makes you feel when you don’t feel anything. But like an airplane flight, there is turbulence. The fights. The disagreements. The little things that bother you. His socks. Her shopping. You start wondering if you’ve made the right choice. Once you are in doubt, you have to make another choice. To continue to fly with this person or jump out of the plane. This choice is based on a thousand other factors, again depending on the individual and where they are in their journey.

If you decide to jump, the scary free fall will either make you stronger (grow) or miserable (depressed). But sooner or later, you’ll find yourself back at the airport waiting to board another plane. Then you hit turbulence. Or maybe there is no turbulence. Maybe you’ve changed your mind about the destination.  Either way, another choice. Fly or jump?”

Read full article: How do you know when you love someone?

Relationship Counselling by Christine Bennett caring4couples.com.au

 

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Viagra and TMI when dating

When things start to look like heating up on a date does a guy say to his girl, “Well , should I take my Viagra yet”?

To ask or not to ask – this is the question!

I read a story in the Huffington Post recently which discussed this topic really well. As you  may imagine, the woman was less than impressed with her date’s lack of decorum, discretion and delicacy…..let alone his sense of romance!

While this can be a real dilemma for some older guys who need Viagra or other sexual performance drugs to “perform”, younger men are apparently using SPDs to ensure performance on demand after a few drinks and hooking up with a willing candidate for the night.

So, how is this done without losing the romance and sounding tacky??

As Viagra and Cialis take so little time to do their job, does it need to be mentioned at all???? Why spoil the moment?

In the Huffington Post story the guy was concerned about the cost of the drug. He didn’t want to waste $10.00 if he wasn’t on a done deal. His concern about cost simply added to the already compromised romantic position in which he had placed himself.

Here is an excerpt from “The Little Blue Pill” by Marcy Miller in Huffington Post, July 26, 2012.

“Viagra has dramatically altered the entire dating landscape. The sex lives of the young, middle-aged and the old will never be the same.

Take young men. No longer must a young man be worried about his performance or about having a few drinks before “hooking up.” He can pop a little pill at the beginning of the evening and relax, knowing that he is prepared for any conquest that may come his way.

On the other end of the timeline, there are the young women who marry old guys for their money. In order to fulfill their part of the deal, it used to be that the girls did not have much to worry about in the sex department — they just needed to be sweet “arm candy.” Now, with the invention of sexual performance drugs (SPD’s), these women have their work cut out for them.”

Here is the link again to “The Little Blue Pill” .

Your comments would be appreciated – both from guys and gals!

Relationship Counselling by Christine Bennett Caring4Couples

 

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Affairs, Cheating, Infidelity, Unfaithful partner, or Betrayal?

Here is another post on affairs, cheating, infidelity, being unfaithful or whatever other euphemism you may want to call it. All those words amount to the same feeling – usually – betrayal!

Feelings of betrayal are the most likely outcome if there was an agreement – implicit or explicit – of sexual exclusivity. A committed  relationship between two people usually means just that. They agree to be committed to one another and that involves a great deal of trust that a partner will remain faithful and respectful to the relationship and refrain from any activity that may jeopardize this agreement.

The sense of betrayal more often than not leads to a grieving process involving shock, denial, anger, confusion, sadness and a host of other feelings that usually go together with the experience of loss.

Elly Taylor in smh.com.au, July 31 2012, discusses the language that may be used when discussing this topic of cheating in her article “The Language We Use To Discuss Cheating“.

Taylor says, “Some affairs are a ‘cry for help’. They can happen because someone is unhappy with the relationship, but is unable or unwilling to work on the problems or terminate the relationship in a respectful way. Quite often, the cheating party doesn’t necessarily want a relationship with the person they are cheating with. Couples can recover from this type of affair if it becomes apparent where things went wrong and both parties are committed to making things work again.

Other affairs happen because someone wants out of a relationship, and wants to be with the person they are cheating with. In 90% of the cases, it doesn’t work out. At this point the ‘cheater’ may want to reconcile with the original partner but often the original partner has moved on.

Then finally, you have someone who wants to reap all the benefits of being in a committed relationship, but wants to have fun on the side as well.  This type of affair is completely narcissistic and involves premeditated and sustained deception and the straying party is also likely to be psychologically and emotionally abusive to the partner. If someone is a “serial offender” like this and doesn’t really want to change, it would be best for the couple to separate and rebuild their lives separately.”

The full article is well worth a read!

Relationship Counselling by Christine Bennett Caring4Couples


 

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Yet another story of sexual betrayal and public shame

Another story of sexual betrayal and public shame as Andrew Ettingshausen’s marriage misery provides more material for the press.

There is no doubt that sex sells! Stories of sexual betrayal and the intrigue that accompanies the discovery of yet another public figure caught out, sells newspapers and magazines like nothing else! The latest marital mayhem to hit the headlines involves a dude called Andrew Ettingshausen.  Apparently he is a “former Rugby League star” according to The Sydney Morning Herald. I wouldn’t know as I’m an-other-than sports fan and would have no idea who was famous or not. I know, you’re probably thinking I should get a life…..

But!…. I would still like to know, is it that these public figures are delivered and exposed to serve as a reminder to other mere male mortals of the perils of philandering? Or, is it simply that women don’t get caught?

It is interesting that the stories sensationalize mainly men in the public eye who are caught spreading their joy with women other than their wives. Is it because famous women don’t do it or is it that they simply aren’t found out?…..Or aren’t we interested anyway?

I do know that the damage to a relationship is just as great irrespective of who ventures outside the marriage or committed relationship for sex. And there sits a big assumption anyway. Is it REALLY about the sex? I hear often enough from clients that an emotional void in their primary relationship has led them to seek solace elsewhere. Sometimes the criticism and put-downs delivered by a spouse on a regular basis are enough to drive the recipient  out of their bedroom somewhere more accepting and nurturing.

Bettina Arndt in smh.com.au. June 3 2012 has her views on the subject. “With every fresh sex scandal, the experts line up to pontificate on why these successful men, men who have everything, take such risks for the sake of sex. In Ettingshausen’s case, his lapse has been blamed on depression triggered by concern about his financial affairs. It is often suggested well-known men are risk-takers, narcissists who assume they don’t have to play by ordinary rules.

Successful men are used to winning, used to getting away with it. Many of the theories make sense, but the real truth is that many of these are pretty normal men with luscious options jumping into their laps.”

Read full article by Bettina Arndt smh.com.au

Do you have a view on this topic? Please contribute to this post by offering your opinion!

Relationship Counselling by Christine Bennett caring4couples.com.au

 

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Online Dating – Long Distance

Good morning and welcome to my Blog on online dating – by long distance. I was asked to write an article on this topic, so here goes!

Firstly, online dating is a fantastic way for people to meet. I’m using the word “meet” here in the broader context of either in person, face to face or a “virtual meet” online. And there is a big, big difference between meeting someone face to face or virtually.

With online dating, the whole introductory process in conducted online – by its very nature!! This is obvious…..Kisses are sent or other form of interest is shown, then come the emails and then maybe more emails, SMS and phone calls. At this point, it is usual to consider meeting in person if there seems to be enough sparks flying.

Meeting in person to me, is the crucial part of the dating experience. It forces the connection into a reality state rather than a virtual or fantasy state. From my own experience and what I have heard from clients, there is a lot of creative marketing practices happening in the world of online dating. I was even told by one brazen bloke that I was naive to think that profiles would display the real age of a would-be dater. He assured me that most people fudged their age by at least two years if not more.

I have also heard stories where two people have met in person for the first time and one party was unrecognizable because she had posted her daughter’s photo instead of her own. This can lead to feelings of disappointment, anger at having precious time wasted and a cynicism about the online dating experience.

It takes courage, a healthy self esteem and lots of patience to enter the world of online dating. So, it doesn’t help when the person you believe you have a nice connection with turns out to be a fraudulent fantasy.

Now if your intention is to conduct an online relationship to fill a fantasy need with lots of romantic emails, possibly based in fiction, then online dating by long distance will fill that need. Just be really, really careful if the person lives internationally and needs some financial help in coming to meet you. They may even suggest you buy your own ticket to their country and once you arrive, make it difficult for you to leave once you have come face to face with reality.

Nightmare stories of this nature have made headlines.

So my views of online dating – long distance, is that it simply remains a fantasy unless you eventually plan on meeting and then my view becomes – it could be disappointing or even dangerous.

10 Questions I would ask before entering into online dating long distance:

  1. What are my intentions for going online? What sort of relationship am I looking for? Am I looking for a virtual romantic fantasy, pen pal, friendship, long term life partner etc?
  2. What are the intentions of the other person? What does he or she write in their profile that caught your interest?
  3. What do they say about the possibility of meeting or not?
  4. How long will the online dating continue?
  5. What form is it going to take?
  6. Are they suggesting meeting for online virtual sex?
  7. Are you comfortable with that?
  8. Does that sort of “relationship” suit you and what is important to you about that if it is?
  9. If the other person wants to eventually meet, how can you check out that they are legit?
  10. Has any of their communications to you been suspicious or have you had any uneasy feelings during your time online with them?

Please leave your comments below. What are your views on online dating long distance?

Relationship Counselling By Christine Bennett Caring4Couples

 

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Has Your Interest in Sexual Intimacy with Your Partner Declined Over Time?

The days here in Sydney are becoming shorter, nights colder. I look forward to nestling under the doona into a warm bed at night and cuddling up to my partner. He has thoughtfully pre-warmed the bed by turning the electric blanket on low. Cosy :-).

Not all couples have this experience of looking forward to a snuggle in bed. Sexual intimacy has often gone out the window along with their desire to be together.

I hear all sorts of stories of how some of my clients go to bed deliberately at different times to avoid one another. Some people become so emotionally wounded within their relationship that stonewalling or avoidance become the norm in an attempt to stay safe. The carried hurt puts up an impenetrable wall of defense making a cuddle in bed, let alone sex, a distant memory.

The problem with this is the longer it goes on, the harder it becomes to re-connect. It becomes awkward. It becomes habitual. I often see couples, some in their 20s and 30s who have let months and sometimes years go by without engaging in sexual  intimacy. They have become like house mates, room buddies, rather than a loving couple.

There ARE ways to overcome the hurt.There ARE ways to re-connect if the willingness is there to do the work. There needs to be a commitment to recognizing when the relationship is losing energy and actively DO something to remedy the rift.

Following is an article by Amie M. Gordon from Psychology Today, on The Secret to Maintaining Sexual Desire.

I hope you find it interesting reading. And if your relationship has lost its lustre, what are some strategies you might practice to restore it back to health? Are you willing to take on the challenge?

Please leave your comments below. How do you keep the love alive?

Author: Christine Bennett Marriage Counselling at caring4couples.com.au

 

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How important is humour when it comes to sex?

According to Laurie Davis from yourtango.com, adding a generous dose of laughter and humour to your repertoire can do wonders for your sex life whether you are single and dating or well ensconced in couplehood.

A recent study on humour revealed that 87% of men and 74% of women say that “humorous flirtation can get them in the mood for sex”.

In the American study, 43% preferred a partner with a “goofy” sense of humour and 64% agreed “that besides chemistry, a ‘sense of  humor’ is the most important quality for a successful relationship”.

Read full article: Why Humor is Sexy: A Zoosk Study by Laurie Davis

Author: Christine Bennett Marriage Counselling at caring4couples.com.au

 

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