Marriage – What is the best age?

MARRIAGE – WHAT IS THE BEST AGE TO SAY “I DO”?

More and more couples are waiting longer to enter marriage these days rather than opt to walk down the aisle in late adolescence or early twenties as was the norm in earlier generations.

Recent research by Nicholas Wolfinger (University of Utah) indicates that the ideal age range to ensure a successful marriage is between 28 and 32 years.

ringsAccording to Wolfinger “The odds of divorce decline as you age from your teenage years through your late twenties and early thirties.” He also believes that “thereafter, the chances of divorce go up again as you move into your late thirties and early forties.”
Source: Independent.co.uk

To me it makes some sense that an older couple embarking on the journey of marriage are more likely to succeed long term. However, there are always two sides to every story and I’ll give 10 points here for and against. I’d love to hear your comments  at the end of this post!

MARRIAGE: ADVANTAGES OF WAITING UNTIL LATE TWENTIES, EARLY THIRTIES

  1. There has been time to “grow up” and forge a solid identity.
  2. In knowing who you are, it is easier to identify a potential partner who will support and encourage your life goals and vice versa.
  3. There has been time to complete studies or career training without other commitments and responsibilities.
  4. Careers take energy and commitment to establish – easier to do without competition from spouse and/or children.
  5. There has been time to “play the field”, experimenting with different relationships.
  6. Experiencing relationships with a variety of partners makes it less likely to feel trapped or wondering if the right choice has been made.
  7. If travel is important, then marrying later allows time to explore wider horizons, foot loose and fancy free.
  8. Greater financial resources are available.
  9. There is more likelihood of entering marriage with eyes wide open.
  10. After experiencing life living independently, you are more likely to enter marriage with a preference for sharing your life with a loving partner, rather than through fear of being alone.

MARRIAGE – ADVANTAGES OF MARRYING YOUNG

  1.  Less chance of being let down by multiple partners resulting in wounds carried into future relationships.
  2. Less jealousy and insecurities about your partner’s romantic history.
  3. An opportunity to grow up together.
  4. There is a larger market of eligible potential partners around the younger you are.
  5. Time to enjoy traveling together, sharing resources before children arrive.
  6. Having a loving partner to support while study is completed and careers are established.
  7. For a woman falling pregnant becomes more difficult with age. So early marriage provides the opportunity to take advantage of the most fertile years.
  8. There is time to enjoy married life together before feeling the pressure of starting a family.
  9. Young couples are more likely to be more adaptable to each other rather than being set in their ways.
  10. Entering marriage at an earlier age is perfect for enjoying safe and regular sexual intimacy when your libido is at it’s peak.

So, what do you think? Is the research valid? I would love to hear your comments and experience related to this topic. And please share!

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How do you know when you love someone?

How DO you know when you love someone?  “Is it love?” is a common question asked when cupid’s arrow strikes. So what IS the real deal?

Nature is very clever in design. Our Maker new what he/she was up to when chemistry was included as part of the human package. When eyes meet across that legendary crowded room and the heart beats faster and there is the strangest feeling in the pit of the stomach……Is that love??

No, that is a hormone rush!! A bucket load of endorphins is released and it feels sooooo good!!! It is also a big con! It is nature’s con to ensure the procreation of the human species.That chemical rush – commonly known by the term “falling in love” cannot possibly be sustained. It can last up to two years max, otherwise our whole endocrine system would fall down flat.

The trouble is it feels so wonderful, that those stricken with this form of psychosis want it to last forever. It can’t. Just like a drug addict cannot maintain high levels of drugs of addiction without serious consequences.

I found an interesting article to follow on from this called titled “How do you know when you love someone?” Following is an excerpt and by following the links, you can read the whole article……..

“I used to believe that love was a light switch. Something flicks on. You get an overwhelming sensation. It hits you like a bag of bricks. Or a strong arrow. When you know, you know. Right? Not so much. After 38 years and an expired marriage, I don’t see love that way anymore.  I’ve placed Cupid right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

Love is a series of choices.  The first choice is based on many many factors, including chemistry, principle, logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we want / need… the list goes on and on, and the weight of each factor varies depending on the individual.  Based on these factors, we either choose to begin the process to love or not. If we decide to enter this process, the action of loving can bring “light switch” moments. The way he looks at you. How hard she make you laugh. The notes he hides in your purse. The way she makes you feel when you don’t feel anything. But like an airplane flight, there is turbulence. The fights. The disagreements. The little things that bother you. His socks. Her shopping. You start wondering if you’ve made the right choice. Once you are in doubt, you have to make another choice. To continue to fly with this person or jump out of the plane. This choice is based on a thousand other factors, again depending on the individual and where they are in their journey.

If you decide to jump, the scary free fall will either make you stronger (grow) or miserable (depressed). But sooner or later, you’ll find yourself back at the airport waiting to board another plane. Then you hit turbulence. Or maybe there is no turbulence. Maybe you’ve changed your mind about the destination.  Either way, another choice. Fly or jump?”

Read full article: How do you know when you love someone?

Relationship Counselling by Christine Bennett caring4couples.com.au

 

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Love and the Law of Attraction for Healthy Relationships

Love just like anything else in the Universe is subject to the Law of Attraction.

This law states that like attracts like. It is a simple matter of physics and when it comes to love – our own emotions are what matters.

How we feel about ourselves is vitally important to who we attract into our life as friends, colleagues, and most importantly intimate partners.

So if we feel down on ourselves, we don’t feel good enough, confident enough, attractive enough – the list could go on and on…….then that is who we will attract as a partner. We will attract our mirror image. Whatever emotional wounding we have suffered during our childhood will be mirrored in our partner. Guarranteed!! This is the basis of the work of Harville Hendrix who is the author of “Getting the Love You Want” amongst others.

Harville Hendrix is an American psychologist who founded what he calls Imago Relationship Therapy. The foundation of the therapeutic process involves what is called the Imago Dialogue where the therapist facilitates a dialogue around a particular frustration that is getting in the way of the couple’s connection to one another. It is usually because a wound has been triggered and one or both partners have gone into their defense strategy, shutting each other out.

The concept of attracting a like person is illustrated very nicely by Denise Scarbro (Huffington Post, 27 July 2012) in her article “The Trick to Attracting Healthy Relationships“.

Scarbro says, “Have you ever felt like you always attract a certain type of person? I know I have! The same kinds of people seem to present themselves to me all the time. They may have different faces and different names, but in the end the same themes are always there. Not too long ago, I kept finding myself with an emotionally unavailable boyfriend; misunderstood people gravitated to me; needy people always wanted to be my friend; and if there was ever an underdog, we inevitably somehow teamed up. I found myself thinking, “What am I putting out there to attract these people to me?”

For a while, I arrogantly thought I drew these people to me because I had so much strength. Maybe I was supposed to help fix them? Like a moths to a flame, they were drawn to me because my light was shining for everyone who needed my help. Well, my believed strength did not make the boyfriends emotionally available; I was not able to build the self-esteem of the needy people; the misunderstood never gained any new insights; and the underdogs were still underdogs no matter what wisdom and examples I thought I shared. I was usually left disappointed, hurt, or annoyed. So why was I attracting these people?”

Click here to continue reading “The Trick to Attracting Healthy Relationships“.

Please leave your comments. I’d love to hear from you!

Relationship Counselling by Christine Bennett Caring4Couples
Certified Imago Relationship Therapist

 

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Viagra and TMI when dating

When things start to look like heating up on a date does a guy say to his girl, “Well , should I take my Viagra yet”?

To ask or not to ask – this is the question!

I read a story in the Huffington Post recently which discussed this topic really well. As you  may imagine, the woman was less than impressed with her date’s lack of decorum, discretion and delicacy…..let alone his sense of romance!

While this can be a real dilemma for some older guys who need Viagra or other sexual performance drugs to “perform”, younger men are apparently using SPDs to ensure performance on demand after a few drinks and hooking up with a willing candidate for the night.

So, how is this done without losing the romance and sounding tacky??

As Viagra and Cialis take so little time to do their job, does it need to be mentioned at all???? Why spoil the moment?

In the Huffington Post story the guy was concerned about the cost of the drug. He didn’t want to waste $10.00 if he wasn’t on a done deal. His concern about cost simply added to the already compromised romantic position in which he had placed himself.

Here is an excerpt from “The Little Blue Pill” by Marcy Miller in Huffington Post, July 26, 2012.

“Viagra has dramatically altered the entire dating landscape. The sex lives of the young, middle-aged and the old will never be the same.

Take young men. No longer must a young man be worried about his performance or about having a few drinks before “hooking up.” He can pop a little pill at the beginning of the evening and relax, knowing that he is prepared for any conquest that may come his way.

On the other end of the timeline, there are the young women who marry old guys for their money. In order to fulfill their part of the deal, it used to be that the girls did not have much to worry about in the sex department — they just needed to be sweet “arm candy.” Now, with the invention of sexual performance drugs (SPD’s), these women have their work cut out for them.”

Here is the link again to “The Little Blue Pill” .

Your comments would be appreciated – both from guys and gals!

Relationship Counselling by Christine Bennett Caring4Couples

 

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Online Dating – Long Distance

Good morning and welcome to my Blog on online dating – by long distance. I was asked to write an article on this topic, so here goes!

Firstly, online dating is a fantastic way for people to meet. I’m using the word “meet” here in the broader context of either in person, face to face or a “virtual meet” online. And there is a big, big difference between meeting someone face to face or virtually.

With online dating, the whole introductory process in conducted online – by its very nature!! This is obvious…..Kisses are sent or other form of interest is shown, then come the emails and then maybe more emails, SMS and phone calls. At this point, it is usual to consider meeting in person if there seems to be enough sparks flying.

Meeting in person to me, is the crucial part of the dating experience. It forces the connection into a reality state rather than a virtual or fantasy state. From my own experience and what I have heard from clients, there is a lot of creative marketing practices happening in the world of online dating. I was even told by one brazen bloke that I was naive to think that profiles would display the real age of a would-be dater. He assured me that most people fudged their age by at least two years if not more.

I have also heard stories where two people have met in person for the first time and one party was unrecognizable because she had posted her daughter’s photo instead of her own. This can lead to feelings of disappointment, anger at having precious time wasted and a cynicism about the online dating experience.

It takes courage, a healthy self esteem and lots of patience to enter the world of online dating. So, it doesn’t help when the person you believe you have a nice connection with turns out to be a fraudulent fantasy.

Now if your intention is to conduct an online relationship to fill a fantasy need with lots of romantic emails, possibly based in fiction, then online dating by long distance will fill that need. Just be really, really careful if the person lives internationally and needs some financial help in coming to meet you. They may even suggest you buy your own ticket to their country and once you arrive, make it difficult for you to leave once you have come face to face with reality.

Nightmare stories of this nature have made headlines.

So my views of online dating – long distance, is that it simply remains a fantasy unless you eventually plan on meeting and then my view becomes – it could be disappointing or even dangerous.

10 Questions I would ask before entering into online dating long distance:

  1. What are my intentions for going online? What sort of relationship am I looking for? Am I looking for a virtual romantic fantasy, pen pal, friendship, long term life partner etc?
  2. What are the intentions of the other person? What does he or she write in their profile that caught your interest?
  3. What do they say about the possibility of meeting or not?
  4. How long will the online dating continue?
  5. What form is it going to take?
  6. Are they suggesting meeting for online virtual sex?
  7. Are you comfortable with that?
  8. Does that sort of “relationship” suit you and what is important to you about that if it is?
  9. If the other person wants to eventually meet, how can you check out that they are legit?
  10. Has any of their communications to you been suspicious or have you had any uneasy feelings during your time online with them?

Please leave your comments below. What are your views on online dating long distance?

Relationship Counselling By Christine Bennett Caring4Couples

 

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What is Your Online Dating Experience? Have You Found The One through Online Dating?

Online dating ten years ago was something you only did if you were desperate. Very few people who were members of online dating sites would admit to having a profile posted and when asked by friends how a dating couple had met, then the answer was usually anything other than “online”. There was some embarrassment or even shame attached to answering the question honestly.

These days finding a date and even a life partner through an online dating service is commonplace. The “you must be desperate” stigma is no longer there. It is so “normal” now to find a date online that there is huge competition among the sites all aiming to attract clientele.

A number of sites now use so called “scientific” matching techniques and offer the potential dater suitable profiles to peruse. Some of these sites remove the ability of the user to review profiles themselves. It is all done from completely a psychological profile that is matched with someone compatible behind the scenes.

In an article written by Drake Bennett (Bloomburg Business Week), this practice is questioned. “Writing in the current issue of Psychological Science in the Public Interest (PSPI), five psychologists who specialize in the study of human relationships argue that, while increasing the potential matches does increase the odds that a person will find a romantic partner, the rest of what online dating sites offer doesn’t do much at all. And some of the services the websites offer might backfire, causing users to overlook people they might be happy with.”

Follow this link to read Love Under the Algorithms – The Shaky Science of Online Dating.

Would you like to share your experience of online dating? Has it worked for you? Please add you comments!

Author: Christine Bennett Marriage Counselling at caring4couples.com.au

 

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How important is humour when it comes to sex?

According to Laurie Davis from yourtango.com, adding a generous dose of laughter and humour to your repertoire can do wonders for your sex life whether you are single and dating or well ensconced in couplehood.

A recent study on humour revealed that 87% of men and 74% of women say that “humorous flirtation can get them in the mood for sex”.

In the American study, 43% preferred a partner with a “goofy” sense of humour and 64% agreed “that besides chemistry, a ‘sense of  humor’ is the most important quality for a successful relationship”.

Read full article: Why Humor is Sexy: A Zoosk Study by Laurie Davis

Author: Christine Bennett Marriage Counselling at caring4couples.com.au

 

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